I always joke that I was raised in a Momarchy. My mom was the ruler of the family. this is not an attack on her marriage or child rearing, she is a selfless giver, a true example of what it means to give & open arms like Jesus. She was the peacemaker, the nurse, the person everyone went to, the person who always had enough food (even if it meant she went without), an extra bed (or pallet) to sleep on, & a non judging open door. She was the one who made all the decisions. What mom wanted... mom got! I tried to be like that once in my marriage. Okay, more than once, but I quickly learned that my husband wasn't going to have any of that mess. Ha! It worked for my mom, but not for me. I must have done something wrong. Lol. It wasn't how my husband was raised. In fact, he was raised by a single father, so attempting to have rule or power of him was out of the question, but I'm a little hardheaded & still tried. It was a tough battle & one that nearly destroyed my family & marriage more than once. However, God had a plan & the power at the cross superseded my self proclaimed power & I learned some tough lessons that although I can always throw in a good fit or emotional cry to get what I want, it's not what God expects of his adopted daughter. He expects me to stand firm on His holy word, to fight for the things that bring Him glory. To compromise & seek His words, & to trust in His will & timing. My husband is the leader of my home, I'm not at all passive, but God has walked me through the silent periods & taught me how powerful listening is.
Which brings me to where I am today. As I continue to grow in my season of waiting, I falter. I want to give the grace, mercy, & love shown to me on the cross to a child who hasn't felt any of those things. As I go through my Bible study notes, the words of my savior & pastor are burning deep in my heart... God is never going to lead you to a place of possibility, he's leading you to a place of uncertainty, a point of greater trust. You see, trust in the Lord is God leading us to somewhere where we'd never take ourselves. But we mask trust. We are Christian pessimists: always ready, but need more information so we say "I'll pray about it." We are always ready, as long as nothing changes in our lives. We are always ready, but then we think we have enough on our plates right now, the timing isn't right.
As I sat in Church today, God spoke to my heart. Not through the music or the message, but directly to me in my silence. You sing praises to me, yet you sit & do nothing for me. You say Praise God! when you hear or see others do something for me, but think I haven't created you for the same greatness. You pray to me & pour your heart to me, but do not act upon my words. You say you want to serve your living God, but you haven't. You asked me to break your heart & open your eyes to the things that break mine & to what I see, but you turn away. Act! do not grow weary, to not be afraid to speak up, I am here...My words will pour from your heart, my tears will fall from your eyes, my will not yours. Your husband is ready, you need to bring me to him & let him hear my words from your heart. Do not be afraid. As I write this, I cry. My husband is an amazing man. He's such a giver & I love & respect him. I know he will listen to God, I need to remind myself that God's got this. Yes, this IS the message I received at Church today. I'm so emotional, I don't want to be babbling. But God is with me always. So, today, as we all sit down for lunch, I plan to bring this all out & open again. Lord guide me. My words are unknown at this time, but I know that God will bring them.
I'm ready for an answer either way. I'm taking a Bold step today not for Jesus, he doesn't need me for that... but TOWARD Jesus (and trusting in God to watch my back.)
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