Summer's here! I find myself leaving the career that I love to serve the God that I love more. To be more available for my family. I've had one day off and find myself already planning what I'll do around the house tomorrow. Mother of two sons who will both be in high school in the Fall, I find myself asking, Where are you leading me Lord? and asking, Why NOT me?
This weekend the boys where in a wreck after defying all logic and pretty much sneaking out, which sparked lots of emotion. As their parents, we are responsible to hold them accountable, to love them, to teach them, to show them their worth in Christ. Being a parent is difficult, but I have faith that we will see the rewards when they are grown. It's hard as sinners to immediately see God in all the bad that surrounded the accident, but He was there and I'm speechless at the safety He provided. Anger, frustration, mistrust, hurt: All legitimate feelings, but the faith of knowing my boys are alive because of God and God alone is amazing. God is a God of miracles, possibility, & trust. We could have lost our boys and were upset at the material things lost... Life is worth more than all our worldly possessions... Isn't life what we were given when Jesus was nailed to the cross? Wow God! perspective.
A mother's love is indescribable. My heart still breaks daily as if I've lost a child. I felt my heart crumble when James said no to adoption. I don't understand his decision, but I can accept that my heart for adoption is not from selfish motives, but born out of a love for the Lord. I cannot help but to think that the reasons behind his answer are fear. I often find myself analyzing if our saying we "trust God" and would "step out on faith" are genuine or us making us seem Godly. I know James, he is a giver, if a child were left at the doorstep or someone local told him about an abandoned child, he'd lovingly open his arms. I want to grab him by the shirt collars and scream, "look at the faces at Reece's Rainbow, they don't need perfect parents, they need parents to love them for who God created them to be! They are at the door... abandoned... take up the Cross, let's forever change the life of another child", but I don't... I sit silently and allow God to work. I don't let the enemy allow me to doubt God's timing and will, as each day my heart for these children grows stronger and the more I fall in love with them- I'm falling more in love with my perfect God!
I pray daily for my family, friends, church, and orphans. I pray for my sweet Darren, the adopted son of my heart... Praying for his family to find him. I'm continuing to pray for other children with DS and other perfections God designed them with. I can only imagine how God's heart is breaking for us in our imperfections, we cannot see the gifts these children have to offer us. I'm still surprised at how just praying for one little girl 9 months ago... God changed my heart. He is a God of wonders!
I have hope in Jesus and know that God's plan is bigger and better than anything I will have ever imagined. I am at peace but not sitting still. I may not be in a position to adopt right now, but I am in a position to advocate for them. God is in control. Every day I find myself staring and praying over pictures of children whom others call unlovable and see our mighty savior in their eyes, smiles, & tears. I hear their silent plea, but my heart breaks so terribly, knowing these children will die in institutions, alone & unwanted. I'm raising up my children to love others, to love God and can only hope they see God in me and choose lives that honor God by caring for widows and orphans. I would give up all the "stuff" I have to ransom these children.
I continue to hold on to Jesus. Today is another day that God allowed me breath to see His miracles and give him Glory.
Thank you Jesus, for being the lamb that was slain for this sinner. In you I have hope. In you I believe in moving mountains.
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