While in my prayer time this week,  I questioned God… “Why hasn’t Darren gotten a family? Father, healer, redeemer, my heart breaks to know what his life will be without a family to love him. God, with all that I am and all you created me to be, I plead his case. Lord, please give Darren a home. In Jesus Mighty Name, Amen.” This was something I've repeated over several months, as I've watched God place 3 other children I'd been praying for with families.

I was awaken from a dead sleep in tears and disbelief when God answered in 3 simple words, “Why not yours?” Of course, I gave God ALL of the reasons we can't handle this or even think about doing this, however, he wasn’t done… He convicted me over and over and over again. Not into prayer, Not into analytical rationales, Not into the “waiting” period, He convicted me into action. This isn’t just a feeling I have or me simply trying to justify my own selfish intentions, It’s God working in me! As a matter of fact, I'd given up on the thought that we were going to adopt at all and prayed for God to take the matter off my heart. But the more I asked to be removed from this, my heart's desire grew more each day. God’s commanding me to stop singing from an empty heart, to stop making excuses, to quit praying for someone else to do what He has called us to do. To live my faith out loud and to live what I believe.  

I spent the morning with James, I wanted to wait until this afternoon to tell him of my decision, but it wasn't God's timing and He held my tongue. I've been home... talking to God again. I feel like I need to blame someone for this feeling, but whom? God. The graceful and merciful God. The God who sacrificed His Holy and Blameless son for my sins.  James is going to freak, he's going to be upset, and hurt. Emotions I totally understand. I know my husband Lord, so I'm confused- untie the strings that bind his heart and lay to rest his fears and uncertainties. I'm sure I'll spend the next couple of days in silence due to us arguing about this, but I am at peace with what God is burdening my heart to do. He is giving me peace. Nothing good has come from not sharing the Lord with others. We can give money until we are broke. We can pray until our hands hurt and jaws become tight, we can pour out bible verses and tell others how great is and how they can trust him, however we cannot practice what we preach. If we are to be witnesses to Christ, examples of his love & our faith in trusting and relying on him. UMMMMM.... I think I am falling way short, because I am allowing my fear of having my feelings hurt instead of speaking up. Well, that was until this morning, when God provided me with protection. God is showing me that my fear is the work of Satan. He is trying to scare me into not sharing God's heart and desire for our lives with James. The tears that I shed when I talk about it are not tears of fear, but tears of rejoicing in Christ, yet I will hide them from the person I call my best friend.

Heavenly Father, you do not let me stand alone. You are here. You are alive and at work in me. Father, protect my heart from the evil that Satan will try to unleash on me when I share the deepest parts of my heart and soul with James. Lord, do not allow me to fall mute. Father, be the source of my words, be the conviction in my husband's heart, be the comfort our family seeks as we work, however painful & weary the road may be, for the glory of Your Kingdom. In Jesus Name, Amen.

There is SO much paperwork. We'd have to travel overseas. James will have to miss work. It's going to be a lot of work. It'll be a commitment for life. It cost a lot of money. It'll take a long time. We're too busy. We don't have insurance. I'm just being emotional. We have problems with our kids now. We're not equipped. We don't have that kind of patience.  Although I'm sure there are more items on the lists of excuses, I'm led back to so many answers. I spent countless hours after school and on weekends completing paperwork and working hard for my job. God has provided us with more money and material objects  than we thought we'd ever have and we are worried about having more in our nest egg so we can retire. Every time I think about how hard we've worked and what we sacrificed, and how much we deserve  the easy road, I feel like lightning bolts are headed my way. God has never promised us an easy journey. Being a Christian doesn't mean we won't "have problems" with our own children, it's our job to guide them and raise them to be servants of the Lord. We're not equipped. Either are Kenny & Heather. I can't help be see how much this can impact their lives. This may be a life changing event in their home.

I can't imagine having the means, the love, the room, and the faith we have to see a child that God has placed on my heart die in an institution. I'd rescue an animal before a child. That's reality. I'd spend money on a dog over an orphan. I know it seems harsh, they don't compare. Dogs don't require much work right?  That's so Satan trying to convince me that I deserve Easy St. that I don't have to go outside of Midland, Texas to make a difference. But God is in control, If I sing that I will go where he leads me... Then I must go. I must be willing to give up everything. If me loving an orphan and wanting to free a child from a life of being unloved and glorifying God and His call into this journey is selfish... then I'M SELFISH, so my feelings shouldn't be hurt if that's what someone calls me. If my character for wanting to do the right thing is being attacked, then I'm following my Savior's footsteps.

One life can be the proof
Of the hope that is You

I'm gonna live what I believe
I'm gonna walk that line
If it costs me everything
I'm gonna stand for what is right  

(Russ Lee)